Paroles: Miranda Cosgrove. Ipilot.
iPilot
SCENE ONE ? PRINCIPAL?S OFFICE
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LET?S HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKIN?S DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
CARLY: YES, I DID.
MISS BRIGGS: PUNK!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS!
MISS BRIGGS: I?M CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, IT?IT?IT, IS UM?I-IT?S UH?
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: IT?S NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
CARLY: WELL, I?
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHE?S A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL?
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHER?S STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: HE?S IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HE?S A GREAT ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DON?T THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. I?M SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOU?RE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY: HUH?
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! I?M GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
MISS BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, COME ON!
MISS BRIGGS: IT?S WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: RHINOCEROS.
MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
CARLY: RIGHT.
CARLY GRABS HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO ? MAIN HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
KID: LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY YOU?RE SORRY!
KID: I?M SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR?
KID: FOR SAYING YOU?RE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND WHAT AM I AGAIN?
KID: PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME?
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAM?S HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
SAM: OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
CARLY: (ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN TROUBLE?
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CAN?T BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! I?VE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULD?VE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL HERE?S AN IDEA.
SAM: WHAT?
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
SAM: HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT ?CHILL-AX?. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS? AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
SAM: NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. IT?S MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW IT?S YOUR PUNISHMENT TOO!
SAM: ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE I?M A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE ? CARLY?S APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLY?S FACE.
FREDDIE: YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE WATER BOTTLE.
CARLY: UH, THANKS. BUT YOU?
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDN?T FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
FREDDIE: (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
CARLY: FREDDIE.
FREDDIE: YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOU?VE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. I?M IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND I?M TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
CARLY: OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT I?LL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN HAVE IT!
CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
CARLY: I?M HOME.
SPENCER: HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: I?M TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, IT?D BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOU?RE SAYING I?M ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. I?VE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS PIPE?
SPENCER FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CAN?T BELIEVE YOU?RE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! THAT FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR.
SPENCER: SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
SPENCER: FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I WOULD?
CARLY: AWESOME!
SPENCER: ?THOUGH, I CAN?T.
CARLY: WHY NOT?
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THAT?S DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKED?YOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THE?OH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
FREDDIE: MORNING, CARLY.
CARLY: SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY HANGS UP.
CARLY: FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THAT?S A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
CARLY: SAM!
FREDDIE PUTS TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDN?T KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SAM: SHE, FREDDIE. I?M A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
FREDDIE: BARELY.
SAM: OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CAN?T TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THAT?S IT. I?M TAKING MY STUFF AND I?M GOING HOME.
FREDDIE PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN.
FREDDIE: OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED ?LE U E MAPHEME?.
SAM: OKAY?
CARLY: WE DON?T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
FREDDIE TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
FREDDIE: ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, WHERE DID SHE GO?
JEB PUTS A MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I DON?T KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB PUTS HIS MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I DON?T KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND HER?
JEB PUTS HIS MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: WHAT YA THINK?
CARLY: I DON?T KNOW!
SAM: YOU DON?T KNOW?
CARLY: I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU MUST KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I DON?T KNOW.
SCENE FOUR PART 3 ? AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
CARLY: COOL.
SAM: NICE.
TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
SAM: NICE!
CARLY: NOW THAT?S WHAT I?M TALKING ABOUT!
SAM: JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: ?THE MOM SAYS ?WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN?? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS ?I LIKE DA EGGS?! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
KID: THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM STOP LAUGHING.
SAM: THAT?S NOT FUNNY.
SAM: NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOY?S HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESN?T MISS BRIGGS? CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) IT?S LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THAT?S ENOUGH. WE?VE STILL GOT? (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ?ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT CAN?T GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
CARLY: AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE ? CARLY?S APARTMENT AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAM?S FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: WHAT TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHEN?S YOU?RE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHE?S NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDN?T INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ I?M NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHAT?CHA DOIN??
CARLY: I?M CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HE?D UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
CARLY: (YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE?
CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE DIDN?T UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM: WHAT?
CARLY: LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS? CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: THAT?S US!
CARLY: SURE IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASN?T SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY LOOKS SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT?
CARLY: ANYONE CAN SEE IT! IT?S ON SLPASHFACE.
SAM: OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
CARLY: OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER.
CARLY: SAM?
SAM: YEAH?
CARLY: (YELLING) THAT?S 27,000!
SAM FALLS OUT OF CHAIR.
SCENE ONE ? PRINCIPAL?S OFFICE
SCENE OPENS WITH PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN LAUGHING AT PICTURE UNTIL MISS BRIGGS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
MISS BRIGGS: SHE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: YES, GOOD. LET?S HAVE A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
MISS BRIGGS: CARLY, GET IN HERE. RIGHT NOW.
MISS BRIGGS SNAPS HER FINGER AND CARLY WALKS IN.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: HAVE A SEAT.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO A SEAT IN FRONT OF PRINCIPAL FRANKIN?S DESK AND SITS IN IT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU PUT SOME FLYERS UP ALL OVER THE SCHOOL.
CARLY: YES, I DID.
MISS BRIGGS: PUNK!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: MISS BRIGGS!
MISS BRIGGS: I?M CALM.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: CARLY, THIS FLYER, IT?IT?IT, IS UM?I-IT?S UH?
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN BREAKS OUT LAUGHING.
MISS BRIGGS: IT?S NOT FUNNY! (TURNS TO CARLY) WHY WOULD YOU PHOTODOC MY HEAD ONTO THE BODY OF A RHINOCEROS?
CARLY: WELL, I?
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: RHINOCEROS? OH NO, NO, NO. YOU MADE HER A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: NO, NO. SHE?S A RHINOCEROS. A HIPPO HAS FATTER THIGHS AND A WIDER SNOUT.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: I THOUGHT THE RHINOS HAD FAT THIGHS?
CARLY: WELL, IF YOU PICTURE THE TWO TOGETHER, YOU COULD REALLY TELL?
CARLY AND PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN START ARGUING.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, OH, OH, DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I THINK WE SHOULD CALL HER FATHER IN TO DISGUSS THIS.
CARLY: MY FATHER?S STATIONED IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW.
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: HE?S IN THE MILITARY.
MISS BRIGGS: WELL THERE MUST BE SOME ADULT IN CHARGE OF HER!
CARLY: MY OLDER BROTHER, SPENCER.
MISS BRIGGS: OH, YES. THE ARTIST.
CARLY: HE?S A GREAT ARTIST!
PRINCIPAL FRANKLIN: OKAY, I DON?T THINK WE NEED TO CALL HER BROTHER IN ABOUT THIS. I?M SURE THAT YOU CAN COME UP WITH A SUITABLE PUNISHMENT?
MISS BRIGGS: (CHUCKLES) FINE. YOU KNOW, CARLY, I AM IN CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR.
CARLY: YEAH, YOU?RE HOLDING THE AUDITIONS ON SATURDAY.
MISS BRIGGS: NO. YOU ARE!
CARLY: HUH?
MISS BRIGGS: I WILL BE ENJOYING MY SATURDAY WHILE YOU TAPE THE AUDITIONS FOR ME.
MISS BRIGGS GIVES CARLY A PAPER AND CARLY TAKES IT.
CARLY: NO! I?M GOING TO SEE CUDDLEFISH PLAY LIVE AT THE HAWTHORNE ON SATURDAY!
MISS BRIGGS: NOT ANYMORE.
CARLY: AW, COME ON!
MISS BRIGGS: IT?S WHAT YOU GET FOR TURNING ME INTO A HIPPOPOTAMUS.
CARLY: RHINOCEROS.
MISS BRIGGS: (YELLING AND POINTING TO THE DOOR) GET OUT!
CARLY: RIGHT.
CARLY GRABS HER STUFF AND LEAVES.
SCENE TWO ? MAIN HALLWAY
SCENE OPENS WITH SAM HOLDING A KID BY HIS COLLAR AND PUSHING HIM AGAINST A LOCKER.
KID: LET ME GO!
SAM: SAY YOU?RE SORRY!
KID: I?M SORRY.
SAM: NOW WHAT ARE YOU SORRY FOR?
KID: FOR SAYING YOU?RE IGGRESIVE!
SAM PUSHES KID AGAINST THE LOCKER AGAIN AND CARLY WALKS INTO SAME HALL AND ROLLS HER EYES.
SAM: AND WHAT AM I AGAIN?
KID: PRETTY AND SWEET.
SAM: THANK YOU. NOW THE NEXT TIME?
CARLY INTERUPTS BY PULLING SAM?S HAIR OVER TO HER LOCKER.
SAM: OW! HAIR, HAIR, HAIR!
CARLY: (ANGRY) HI!
SAM: DID YOU GET IN TROUBLE?
CARLY: (STILL ANGRY) OF COURSE I GOT IN TROUBLE! TEACHERS TEND TO GET UPSET WHEN YOU PUT THEIR HEADS ON THE BODIES OF BIG FAT ANIMALS! I CAN?T BELIEVE I LET YOU TALK ME INTO TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOU!
SAM: YOU HAD TO! I?VE ALREADY BEEN SUSPENDED ONCE THIS SEMESTER. IF I HAD GOTTEN BUSTED, SHE WOULD?VE EXPELLED ME.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) WELL HERE?S AN IDEA.
SAM: WHAT?
CARLY: (ANGRY AGAIN) STOP DOING BAD THINGS!
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER LOCKER AND SAM FOLLOWS.
SAM: HEY, CHILL-AX!
CARLY: I WILL NOT ?CHILL-AX?. AND GET EXCITED, BECAUSE YOU AND I GET TO SPEND OUR ENTIRE SATURDAY HERE. VIDEOTAPING KIDS? AUDITIONS FOR THE TALENT SHOW.
SAM: NO WAY, GROSS.
CARLY: SORRY. IT?S MY PUNISHMENT, SO NOW IT?S YOUR PUNISHMENT TOO!
SAM: ALRIGHT. WHAT-EV.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, ANYBODY BUT ME WOULD PUNCH YOU RIGHT IN THE HEAD.
SAM: WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND!
CARLY: GOOD TO KNOW. KNOW WHY ARE YOU MINE?
CARLY WALKS INTO A CLASSROOM AND SAM FOLLOWS, PUSHING THE SAME KID INTO A LOCKER AGAIN.
SAM: BECAUSE I?M A LOVEABLE PERSON!
SCENE THREE ? CARLY?S APARTMENT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY GOING TO HER APARTMENT DOOR AND PUTTING HER WATER BOTTLE AWAY BUT IT FALLS ON THE FLOOR. THEN FREDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT FROM HIS APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND GRABS IT THEN PUTS IT IN FRONT OF CARLY?S FACE.
FREDDIE: YOU DROPPED THIS!
CARLY TAKES THE WATER BOTTLE.
CARLY: UH, THANKS. BUT YOU?
FREDDIE: I WAS GONNA WALK YOU HOME FROM SCHOOL, BUT I COULDN?T FIND YOU. HEY!
CARLY: FREDDIE, WERE YOU JUST LOOKING OUT YOUR PEEPHOLE WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME?
FREDDIE: (LAUGHING) NO-HO-HO!
CARLY: FREDDIE.
FREDDIE: YES.
CARLY: I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE CAN BE BUDS, BUT YOU?VE GOTTA GET OVER THIS CRUSH THING.
FREDDIE: I AM OVER IT. SERIOUSLY. I?M IN LOVE YOU, YOU JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS. AND I?M TOTALLY COOL LIVING WITH THAT CONSTANT PAIN.
CARLY: OH GOD.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO HER DOOR AND PUTS THE KEYS IN THE KEYSLOT, BUT TURNED AROUND.
FREDDIE: OH, HEY! I HEAR YOU NEED TO BORROW A CAMCORDER, TO TAPE SOME AUDITIONS.
CARLY: YEAH, BUT I?LL JUST USE MY BROTHERS.
FREDDIE PULLS OUT HIS PHONE.
FREDDIE: WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW MY DIGITS.
CARLY: HEY, YOU GOT A NEW CELL PHONE.
FREDDIE: YOU CAN HAVE IT!
CARLY OPENS HER DOOR AND RUNS INSIDE.
CARLY: I?M HOME.
SPENCER: HEY, KIDDO. UP HERE.
CARLY LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING.
SPENCER: I?M TAKING SOME PICS OF MY ROBOT SCULPTURE. SMILE!
SPENCER POINTS CAMERA AT SCULPTURE AND TAKES A PICTURE.
CARLY: YOU KNOW, FOR MOST EIGHTH GRADE GIRLS, IF THEY CAME HOME AND FOUND THEIR TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD BROTHER DANGLING UPSIDE DOWN FROM THEIR CEILING OVER A GIANT ROBOT MADE OUT OF SODA BOTTLES, IT?D BE WEIRD.
SPENCER: YOU?RE SAYING I?M ABNORMAL?
CARLY: DO I NEED TO SAY IT? GET DOWN FROM THERE BEFORE YOU HURT YOURSELF!
SPENCER: NO WORRIES. I?VE GOT MY LEG WRAPPED AROUND THIS PIPE?
SPENCER FALLS ON THE FLOOR AND SCREAMS.
CARLY: I CAN?T BELIEVE YOU?RE IN CHARGE OF ME.
SPENCER: PLEASE HELP ME STAND UP.
CARLY HELPS SPENCER UP.
CARLY: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
SPENCER: YEP! NOPE! I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER AGAIN. ONE SEC.
SPENCER FALLS ON HIS LEFT SHOULDER AND GETS BACK UP.
SPENCER: YEP! THAT FIXED HER.
CARLY: GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED A FAVOR.
SPENCER: SHOOT.
CARLY: I HAVE TO TAPE A BUCH OF AUDITIONS AT SCHOOL ON SATURDAY.
SPENCER: FUN!
CARLY: YEAH, NOT REALLY. ANYWAY, I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA.
SPENCER: I WOULD?
CARLY: AWESOME!
SPENCER: ?THOUGH, I CAN?T.
CARLY: WHY NOT?
SPENCER STARTS LAUGHING AND BRINGS OUT HIS CAMERA THAT?S DISGUISED TO LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL.
SPENCER: I MADE IT INTO A SQUIRREL.
SCENE FOUR PART 1? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY WALKING IN THE DOOR ON THE PHONE.
CARLY: I TOLD YOU THE FRONT DOORS WOULD BE LOCKED?YOU GOTTA GO TO THE BLUE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THE?OH MY GOD!
CARLY IS INTERUPTED BY HER NOTICE OF FREDDIE WITH A HUGE AND ADVANCED COMPUTER AND VIDEOCAMERA SET UP.
FREDDIE: MORNING, CARLY.
CARLY: SEE YA IN A SEC.
CARLY HANGS UP.
CARLY: FREDDIE!
FREDDIE: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY EQUIPMENT?
CARLY: I JUST ASKED TO BORROW YOUR VIDEOCAMERA. WHAT IS ALL THIS?
FREDDIE: WELL, THAT?S A 3-SHIP HI-DEF CAMCORDER WITH A HARPER DUIDE CONDENSER MICROPHONE MOUNTED ON A CARBON-FLIED TRIPOD WITH AN OVERDRIVE FLUED-HEAD. I ALSO BROUGHT YOU JUICE AND A BAGLE!
FREDDIE BRINGS A TRAY OVER TO CARLY THAT HAS JUICE AND A BAGLE ON IT. JUST THEN, SAM WALKS IN THE DOOR.
SAM: HEY, YOU INVITED THE DOOF!
CARLY: SAM!
FREDDIE PUTS TRAY ON TABLE.
FREDDIE: AW, MAN! I DIDN?T KNOW THAT WAS GONNA BE HERE!
SAM: SHE, FREDDIE. I?M A SHE, AS IN GIRL.
FREDDIE: BARELY.
SAM: OOOHHH!
FREDDIE: YOU JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY AV EQUIPMENT.
SAM: SO YOU MEAN I CAN?T TOUCH THE WHITE-BALANCE ON YOUR SUPERTY-DUPERTY CAMCORDER?
FREDDIE: OH, SURE. JOKE ABOUT THE WHITE-BALANCE TILL THE SKINTONES GO MAGENTA!
SAM WALKS OVER TO FREDDIE AND CLEARS HER THROAT.
SAM: CARLY WILL NEVER LOVE YOU
FREDDIE: OKAY. THAT?S IT. I?M TAKING MY STUFF AND I?M GOING HOME.
FREDDIE PICKS UP HIS CAMERA.
CARLY: (IN A SWEET VOICE) PLEASE STAY!
FREDDIE PUTS HIS CAMERA DOWN.
FREDDIE: OKAY.
SCENE FOUR PART 2 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SITTING IN SEATS AND FREDDIE HAS HIS CAMERA SET UP WITH THE FIRST AUDITION ONSTAGE.
CARLY: HEY, JEB. READY TO AUDITION?
JEB: YEAH. I WILL BE PERFORMING A FRECH PLAY CALLED ?LE U E MAPHEME?.
SAM: OKAY?
CARLY: WE DON?T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT, KNOCK US OUT. (TURNS TO FREDDIE) ROLLING?
FREDDIE TURNS ON HIS CAMERA.
FREDDIE: ROLLING.
JEB: BACK, BACK, WHERE DID SHE GO?
JEB PUTS A MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I DON?T KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WHEN WILL SHE BE BACK?
JEB PUTS HIS MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I DON?T KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF.
JEB: WELL WHERE CAN I FIND HER?
JEB PUTS HIS MUSTACHE ON.
JEB: I TELL YOU, I DO NOT KNOW!
JEB TAKES HIS MUSTACHE OFF AND SMILES, THEN CARLY AND SAM CLAP WHILE HE WALKS OFFSTAGE.
SAM: WHAT YA THINK?
CARLY: I DON?T KNOW!
SAM: YOU DON?T KNOW?
CARLY: I TELL YOU I DO NOT KNOW!
SAM: BUT YOU MUST KNOW!
CARLY: HOW CAN I KNOW IF I DO NOT KNOW?
SAM: I DON?T KNOW.
SCENE FOUR PART 3 ? AUDITIONS ROOM.
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE PLAYING VIOLIN, AND SAM IS FALLING, BUT CARLY IS ASLEEP.
SCENE FOUR PART 4 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH ONE BOY DOING BAD BALLET, AND CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DISGUSTED.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH GIRL ONSTAGE WITH A TRUMPET IN HER HAND AND A POGO-STICK LAYING ON THE STAGE STEPS, AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK TIRED.
TARAN: I WILL BE PLAYING THIS TRUMPET.
CARLY: COOL.
SAM: NICE.
TARAN: WHILE HOPPING ON THIS POGO-STICK.
TARAN PICKS UP POGO-STICK AND CARLY AND SAM LOOK INTERESTED NOW. THEN TARAN STARTS HOPPING ON THE POGO-STICK AND PLAYING THE TRUMPET AT THE SAME TIME. THEN CARLY AND SAM STAND UP AND START TO CLAP.
SAM: NICE!
CARLY: NOW THAT?S WHAT I?M TALKING ABOUT!
SAM: JUMP AND BLOW-HO!
SCENE FOUR PART 6 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID STANDING ONSTAGE SAYING SOMETHING INTO THE MICROPHONE.
KID: ?THE MOM SAYS ?WHY DID YOU FAIL TO BRING HER IN?? AND THEN THE DOG SAYS ?I LIKE DA EGGS?! HA, HA, HA!
CARLY AND SAM START LAUGHING WHEN KID WALKS OFFSTAGE.
KID: THANKS!
CARLY AND SAM STOP LAUGHING.
SAM: THAT?S NOT FUNNY.
SAM: NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
SAM WALKS OVER TO THE STAGE AND CARLY STANDS UP.
SAM: WELL FORGET THAT. CAN WE PLEASE DISCUSS THE BOY?S HAIR AND GLASSES? HE LOOKS LIKE MISS BRIGGS!
CARLY: (LAUGHING) YEAH. AT LEAST HE DOESN?T MISS BRIGGS? CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
FREDDIE POINTS CAMERA AT CARLY AND SAM AND SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY.
SAM: (LAUGHING) I KNOW. WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE?
CARLY: (STILL LAUGHING) IT?S LIKE SHE STUFFS WAFFLE CONES IN HER BRA!
SAM: (STILL LAUGHING) SHE COULD POKE AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THOSE THINGS!
CARLY: OKAY. THAT?S ENOUGH. WE?VE STILL GOT? (CARLY CHECKS PAPER) ?ELEVEN PEOPLE TO SEE.
SAM: OOH! ELEVEN?
CARLY: CALM DOWN. IT CAN?T GET WORSE.
SCENE FOUR PART 5 ? AUDITIONS ROOM
SCENE OPENS WITH KID RAPPING HORRIBLY.
CARLY: AND I WAS WRONG.
SCENE FIVE ? CARLY?S APARTMENT AT NIGHT
SCENE OPENS WITH CARLY AND SAM SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AND THE TELEVISION IS ON. CARLY WAKES UP.
CARLY: (SLEEPY) SAM? HEY, SAM? WAKE UP!
CARLY PUTS HER FOOT ON SAM?S FACE AND SHE WAKES UP. SAM SITS UP AND YAWNS.
SAM: WHAT TIME IS IT?
CARLY: LATE. WHEN?S YOU?RE MOM COMING TO PICK YOU UP?
SAM: SHE?S NOT. I TOLD HER YOU INVITED ME TO SPEND THE NIGHT.
CARLY: I DIDN?T INVITE YOU TO SPEND THE NIGHT!
SAM: WELL YOU SHOULD CUZ I?M NOT LEAVING.
CARLY WALKS OVER TO THE COMPUTER AND STARTS TYPING.
SAM: WHAT?CHA DOIN??
CARLY: I?M CHECKING TO SEE IF FREDDIE PUT THE AUDIOTIONS ONLINE. HE SAID HE?D UPLOAD THEM IN THE MORNING SO MISS BRIGGS COULD WATCH THEM ONLINE.
SAM: I HATE MISS BRIGGS. REMEMBER WHEN SHE CALLED ME A DEMON?
CARLY: (YELLING) NO!
SAM: OH, YES. SOMEONE PUT THAT RAW CHICKEN IN HER PURSE?
CARLY: SHUT UP AND COME LOOK AT THIS!
SAM WALKS OVER TO CARLY AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: WHAT? FREDDIE DIDN?T UPLOAD THE AUDIOTIONS?
CARLY: NO. HE UPLOADED US!
SAM: WHAT?
CARLY: LOOK!
SAM WATCHES A VIDEO ON THE COMPUTER THAT SHOWS THEM MAKING FUN OF MISS BRIGGS? CRAZY POINTY BOOBS.
SAM: THAT?S US!
CARLY: SURE IS!
SAM: FREDDIE WASN?T SUPPOSED TO FILM US! WE WERE BEING ALL GOOFY AND ACTING LIKE IDIOTS ALL DAY!
CARLY LOOKS SCARED.
CARLY: OH MY GOD! WE MADE FUN OF MISS BRIGGS AND HER CRAZY POINTY BOOBS!
SAM: WHOA! IF SHE SEES THAT?
CARLY: ANYONE CAN SEE IT! IT?S ON SLPASHFACE.
SAM: OKAY, CHILL-AX.
SAM LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER.
SAM: SEE THE VIEWCOUNT? ONLY 27 PEOPLE HAVE CLICKED ON IT.
CARLY: OH. OKAY, GOOD.
CARLY LOOKS AT THE COMPUTER.
CARLY: SAM?
SAM: YEAH?
CARLY: (YELLING) THAT?S 27,000!
SAM FALLS OUT OF CHAIR.
Miranda Cosgrove
Miranda Cosgrove
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